Friday, October 13, 2017

Ladies, men like strippers. Why does that scare you so much?

By Samantha X a madam

A FURIOUS wife has taken to a Facebook mums’ group to express her disgust and outrage that her lying husband visited a lap dancing club on a buck’s do — and failed to tell her about it.

“Seedy little man.”

“Bloody disgusting.”

“I’ve lost respect for him.”

And much, much more was spouted from the pursed mouths of angry mothers and wholesome wives at this man’s crime.

Not only did he NOT tell his wife (maybe because he is petrified of her) but he was having too much fun with his mates and didn’t get home until 6.30am, which sent her and her supporters in a spin.

And there was no other way to deal with the situation than to make it public on an online network of mums — sometimes the most judgmental of human beings out there. (God forbid you tell them you ordered your kids’ school lunch from the canteen three times in a row, or that you didn’t stay up all night baking organic bread either).

Oh for God’s sake woman — and all the other fearful women out there. Lighten up.

Let’s get down to the uncomfortable question here for all women who think keeping their men on a leash is a reasonable and realistic way to carry on.

What exactly are you scared of?

Because that’s what it is, isn’t it? It isn’t anger or disgust. It isn’t some kind of misguided moral judgment at him or the woman who works in a strip club.

It’s fear.

Fear that your husband is going to find another woman sexy, fear that another woman’s sexuality is somehow a threat to your sexuality, and in turn, a threat to your marriage.

That him ogling another woman is somehow a reflection of you and your female power, and a stripper is the biggest threat to your relationship, so keeping your man away from the mysterious black doors in the CBD, is the safest thing to do to safeguard your marriage.

If only it were that easy.

Yes he should have been truthful, (and you should always be honest about how much your new shoes were, right?) but really, was such a terrible deed committed?

Here’s something that is pretty obvious but I will just reiterate it: strippers, dancers, lap dancers, escorts, porn stars… women who work in the adult industry have zero interest in stealing your husband.

In fact, make that minus zero.
Strippers, dancers, lap dancers, escorts, porn stars... they have zero interest in stealing your man. (Pic: Supplied)

Most of these women have their own families. Some are lesbians, a lot are single mothers. But they all have rent or a mortgage to pay. They may be studying law or work in HR on their dancing days off. They may be your nanny, or even your friend or sister.

Again — they do not want your husband. (Should we do a survey on how many married men left their wives for someone they work with, compared to how many left them for a stripper?)

The second thing is, men... I’ve said it before in my first book Hooked, but for those who haven’t read it, here it is again: you cannot control a man.

You can’t hate a man for his actions either. It’s like hating a baby crying on a long haul flight or hating a puppy that chews your shoes. They just can’t help themselves. It’s not a cop out, it’s the truth. I’m not talking about Weinstein type sexual assault — that’s a crime — I’m talking about men and their nuances.

They adore their wives, they don’t want to leave you, they love your body and your mind still, but sometimes they need to stare at another female’s body. It de-stresses them, it relaxes them, it bonds them.

“Not my husband.”

Yes, your husband. My (future) husband too. A supermodel’s husband. A stripper’s husband.

All men.

And if they tell you they don’t look at other women, they’re lying. They may not visit strip clubs or seek paid services (not all men cheat), but they all look.

After six years working in the adult industry, let me give you some nuggets of information I’ve learnt from men.

It does not matter how tight you control that leash, they will find a way.

I had a client whose wife traced his phone with the app Find My Phone, so she comfortably knew where her husband was and at what time. She went through his phone bills with a fine-tooth comb. “Not my husband,” she probably thought.

So what did he do? His cousin made all the bookings for him and I had to go to a place where he told his wife he would be and where his phone was.

I don’t have all the answers in how to have a perfect marriage. Humans aren’t perfect people.

But what I do know is that no one, not a wife, nor a husband, can control another human being.

At the end of the day, it comes down to trust. If you trust your partner, there is no fear. And if there is no fear, there is no problem.


Why should men and women have the same goals?

Which appears to be what feminists want.  Is it so heinous if women choose NOT to have a career?

When I was in Amsterdam in 2008 to talk about my recently published book, The Sexual Paradox, I was interviewed by a senior editor of a major daily newspaper. She had reached the age when she was unlikely to have small children at home and as the executive editor of a major daily, she was at the pinnacle of her career. Despite this executive status, she worked part time and had always worked less than a full week. I asked why. "Wednesdays are for my family and friends," she told me, "and Friday is piano day. Practicing the piano is essential to my happiness and I want to make sure I have time for it."

I was stunned. Working full time—if not at least 60 hours a week—is de rigueur for professionals in North America. Not so in the Netherlands, where almost half of the population works fewer than 40 hours a week. This is especially true for Dutch women, over 76% of whom work part time. Legislation enacted in 2000 protects the jobs of anyone who wants to work part time in the Netherlands. If they move from full to part-time for any reason, they can neither be fired, nor refused benefits. Yet even if this arrangement is open to women and men alike, the number of women who take advantage of it eclipses the number of men. While three-quarters of all women in the Netherlands work part time—two-thirds of whom have no children at home—that figure is only one-quarter for men.1

It is one of the most egalitarian societies in Europe, yet most Dutch women want something different of their working schedules than most Dutch men. The assumption that women would always choose what men choose—if it weren't for the social and cultural forces holding them back—is a presumption I question in The Sexual Paradox. Nine years after its publication and 50 years after the sexual revolution of the 1970s, I'm wondering what has changed. Do we still expect the majority of women to adopt male-determined goals as their own? Or do most women in industrialized nations have something else in mind when they make life decisions?

I propose that we look at other measures of success aside from the male-typical indices of sheer earnings and positions of power when we consider what women want. Astronomical salaries and C-suite positions are grand if those are one's life goals. But what if other values are front-and-center for many women? What if we shift our lens from money to measures of personal happiness, feelings of belonging, personal health, and the health and well-being of children?

When we do that it, becomes clear that women in many industrialized nations are still stymied—not necessarily by the patriarchy—but by the expectation that they should "lean in," and always choose what a man would, whether it's a STEM career or the number of hours one wants to consecrate to it. Let's take Silicon Valley as an example. Extreme workaholism characterizes work in the high tech sector. "Working 18 hours a day. Every day. No vacations, no going on dates, no watching TV," is how the Silicon Valley work ethic was described in the New York Times by Dan Lyons, one of its former denizens.2 No matter how much they might earn in IT, the evidence shows that the majority of educated women put a premium on other life priorities.3 But suggesting as much is to be vilified publicly and to commit professional suicide, as former Google software engineer James Damore discovered when his memo was leaked about why uneven sex ratios persist in Silicon Valley. Fifty years after the birth of second-wave feminism, it is still taboo to express the idea that many women find happiness and fulfillment in ways that might diverge from the male norm.


"Money is not the only thing affecting people’s happiness; it's not remotely the whole story," said British economist Baron Richard Layard in 2014. "People must understand that they would do well to preserve their human relationships; they should give them a higher priority than how much they earn.”4 As I point out in The Village Effect, this is more commonly a female perspective than a male-typical one.5 And when we do put our lens on happiness, the countries with the highest average scores include Denmark and the Netherlands.6

So let's return to the Netherlands for a moment. The legal and social thumbs-up given to part-time work may be one reason why Dutch women and children are happier than those in other industrialized countries, where women's levels of happiness have fallen since the 1970s even as their professional opportunities and material lives have improved.7 The expectation that women succeed on all fronts, which often means mimicking if not surpassing many men's extreme work schedules, producing "perfect" children who live in flawless, immaculate homes, not to mention maintaining a youthful figure and dressing elegantly, has created impossible standards that women cannot meet—thus creating levels of satisfaction that can be the inverse of their earnings.8 With no time for their relationships, children, or other interests, their levels of happiness plummet. But as we have seen, Dutch women, the majority of whom work part of the week, have more time for activities and interactions that they find fulfilling.

Dutch children are better adjusted, too. When asked, 95% of Dutch children rate themselves as happy; the Netherlands is among the top-ranked countries on Unicef's 2017 report card on child well-being and health in rich countries. Indeed, when the United Nations assessed the health and welfare of children in industrialized nations in 2013, it found that the Netherlands was one of the best places in the world for children to grow up. This year's 2017 report card showed that of 41 countries, the Netherlands is still among the top 10 for children. Portugal, Iceland, and Spain now take the top three spots.9 Considering that the United States places #36th (Canada is 29th and the UK 15th) when rated on the well-being, health, safety, and education of their children, it is perhaps time to reassess our definitions of success. The idea that the male model—of career and what constitutes a happy and balanced life—should be the default setting for all women and families in all countries is not supported by the evidence about what people want most.

Yet stating that the majority of women might want something different of life from the majority of men seems even more explosive than it was in 2008 when The Sexual Paradox was first published. Indeed, whether any differences between male and female behavior exist at all in nature has become a highly politicized topic, with many arguing for complete gender fluidity across the human species.10 Observable group differences between the sexes are instilled by societal norms, the argument goes, and by stamping out gender norms we will eliminate any differences between male and female. We will become a gender-neutral society—even if, paradoxically, the default is still assumed to be male for both sexes.

Only in a world that values men's choices more than it does women's would working as a physician, behavioral scientist, or judge be considered a less worthwhile endeavor than working in tech.

This is an aspirational view. Though gender discrimination does exist and shouldn't be allowed to persist in a just society, the idea that we are all fungible is not supported by the weight of the evidence. Indeed, the latest scientific data tell us that there are powerful group distinctions between most women and most men, ranging from greater propensities toward overt aggression, zero-sum-game competitiveness, autism, alcoholism and suicide (men), versus covert aggression, wider interests, and a greater propensity to depression and PTSD (women).11 Given the choice, not many people would opt for the other sex's frailties.

And these biologically influenced differences help to form distinct life goals and preferences, among the rank and file, as well as among stratospheric achievers. A 2014 study on the careers of 1,600 intellectually gifted 13-year-olds—identified in the 1970s as being in the top 1% of mathematical ability—found that there were many similarities between the adult men and women when the researchers followed up on them four decades later. But there were also some fascinating and important differences. The gifted men were more likely to have gravitated to IT, STEM, and CEO positions. The gifted women were more likely to have chosen careers in health, education, business, finance, medicine, and law. (Only in a world that values men's choices more than it does women's would working as a physician, behavioral scientist or a judge be considered a less worthwhile endeavor than working in tech).

In addition to the type of career this gifted cohort chose, there were also remarkable sex differences in values that affected not only what type of work people wanted to do and how much time they wanted to devote to it versus other activities. Overall, men as a group valued full-time work, making an impact, and earning a high income, whereas women as a group more often valued part-time work, along with the time for close relationships, family and community involvement. Gifted men devoted 11 more hours to work per week, for the last 15 years than did women, even when both worked full time. If they had their druthers, 30% of the women but just 7% of the men wanted to work less than full time at their ideal job, a finding echoed by other studies of educated women and men working in top drawer careers.12

"Both men and women overwhelmingly considered their families to be more important than their work and careers,” write the authors, Camilla Benbow, David Lubinski, and Harrison Kells, but:

[M]en, on average, were more concerned with being successful in their work and feeling that society should invest in them because their ideas are better than most people’s, whereas women felt more strongly that no one should be without life’s necessities. Collectively, men were more focused on their personal advancement and on the creation of concrete products, whereas women were more interested in keeping society vibrant and healthy.13

Both perspectives have value, that is, unless one reflexively prizes men's preferences over women's. And an increasing number of studies are being published showing subtle but perceptible differences in the ways men's and women's brains are wired.14 These studies are often criticized, not as part of the expected scientific vetting process but because they document the existence of findings that many people cannot tolerate. This may be because such research reminds them of the very real injustices of the past. Still, charges of "neurosexism," leveled at behavioral scientists are a way to denigrate results one does not like. Even if we don't like the existence of global warming, for example, we cannot wish it away or diminish its existence by calling it something else. Similarly, name-calling does not negate empirical findings that make us uncomfortable.

In the face of data emerging from new technologies, genome studies, social neuroscience, animal studies and hormonal influences—which alter our brain architecture as much as they sculpt our bodies—denying the existence of any biological sex differences is tantamount to denying the existence of science. Moving from science to fashion and culture, if there were no differences between male and female, why would insisting that women act like men, indeed why would the fashion of cross-dressing persist and continue to engage us? Why adopt the habits of a different sex if they are no better or no different than another? When it comes to sex, a world without differences is not only a fiction. It is a more intolerant, unhappy—and ultimately a less democratic place.


Black racist Says He Can Fix NFL, Just Get Rid of All the White People

Fans go to watch football, not to have their country insulted.  That is the real issue

Next to the Harvey Weinstein story, the constant anti-American protests mounted during the playing of the national anthem in the National Football League are still the nation’s hottest controversy. And now we can thank recording artist P. Diddy (not his real name) for solving this vexing problem. His solution: get rid of all those danged white people.

Rapper Sean Combs, better known as “P Diddy,” recently took to Twitter to offer his big solution. He wants to eliminate white people from football by starting a blacks-only league.

Remember those hard days back in the 40s and 50s when African American athletes were working so hard to break the color barrier and to be allowed into the big leagues in sports? Baseball players like Jackie Robinson, Willie Mays, and Hank Aaron fought waves of racism to kill the color barrier and to show they were more than worthy players to be in the Big Leagues. Many more black athletes came to football and basketball after that and the pro sports were finally transformed into institutions that welcome all based on their skill, not on their skin.

But now ol’ Puffy wants to go back to the un-American concept of “separate but equal?” [Also known as Apartheid]

If you don’t know that reference, “separate but equal” was the racist idea imposed on America’s educational system where black people were shoved off into separate, black-only schools while white people had their own schools. This was hailed as a ‘solution’ to the race problem… but all that really ended up happening was that black schools were denied the quality schools that white kids had in well-supplied and funded schools.

Eventually the whole idea was taken to the courts and eliminated as unfair and un-American.

But Combs wants to go back to that concept, except this time in pro sports?

Then there is another point. P. Diddy is a multi-millionaire. So are most of the NFL players for whom he claims he is advocating. So we have a multi-millionaire singer claiming that multi-millionaire players are “oppressed?”

How does that even make any sense?

But Diddy has had his problems with racism in the past. Oh, it wasn’t Diddy facing racism directed at him, but Diddy perpetrating racism against others. And against white people at that.

Earlier this year the rapper was accused of reverse racism where he was allegedly making sure white employees never succeeded in his various enterprises. A lawsuit was filed by five white men against his Revolt TV project in March. As Billboard reported in March:

"On Tuesday, Page Six reported that a production team of white men — alums of The Howard Stern Show who are all over the age of 39 — say they were fired in 2014 because they weren’t young and black. One of the plaintiffs claimed that when he confronted a colleague on his tardiness, he was given a response that “clearly” referred “to African-American culture and/or African-American hip-hop culture, which [the producer] assumed he did not understand because he was Caucasian.”

Diddy claimed it was all B.S., naturally. He put out a statement saying:

"These claims are without merit and have previously been dismissed by the EEOC. Revolt Media and TV, LLC has always been committed to diversity in the workplace and is an equal opportunity employer."

The suit is still going through its paces, but it does show an interesting record when coupled with his tweet about getting rid of white people in the NFL, doesn’t it?


We thought we were raising an enlightened child, Tama Ward writes, but have we robbed our daughter of her cultural roots?

I weep for this badly misled child.  The fact that a Canadian mother knew the rules for an English High Tea does however suggest that she is a genuinely sensitive person who was in a good position to compensate when she realized  that she had gone  overboard for multiculturalism -- JR

 At breakfast, in the glass-towered city of Vancouver, five-year-old Abigail looks glumly at her half-eaten bowl of cereal.

"What is it, honey?" I brush the bangs back from her face.

She lets out a big sigh. "I wish I wasn't white."

I start. Nothing in the parenting manuals has prepared me for that.

"All we've ever done is hurt people," she continues. "I wish my skin was dark and that I had a culture."

We live in a part of the city where immigrant families abound. Our neighbours are homesick, first-generation Mexicans, which means that salsas and pinatas and Aztec legends feature prominently at shared social gatherings. Our family regularly eats in Little India where we gush over the flavours of curry and dhal, and every February, we attend the Chinese New Year parade in the slanting rain. Plus, my husband and I are children of missionaries and harbour an acute guilt for the cultural imperialism of our forebears. To compensate, we've raised our children with a deep appreciation of non-Western cultures.

So when Abigail laments the colour of her white skin, part of me is programmed to protest. Is it not my moral obligation to tell her that her feelings of poor self-worth are nothing compared with the psychological ruin of real racism? Girl, everything about Canadian culture weighs in your advantage and you have no right to snivel!

Instead, I feel a sadness settle over me. We thought we were raising the enlightened child of the 21st century. We thought we were doing our part in setting the history record straight. Yet, in doing so, it seems we have robbed our oldest child of something primal to psychological health, something elemental to her well-being as a human being: cultural roots.

I don't know what to say.

I consider the you-are-Canadian spiel: "part of a new society made up of the vibrancy of many cultures, etc." Yet, "Canadian" is precisely the problem. What is Canadian? Her best friend is Canadian and Mexican. Her cousin, Canadian and Bengali. Even our Indigenous neighbours have a First Nation before they have Canada. To play the Canadian card will further neuter her culturally when what she's looking for are deep roots that ground her to a people and place.

Seized by maternal panic I go in search of our oversized National Geographic Atlas and hoist it up onto the breakfast table. Abigail sits up and she leans in. "It was almost 200 years ago that your people came to Canada from this island."

Abigail's face brightens at that word: island. I know what she's thinking. Islands are places of primal innocence and cultural distinctiveness, such as Haida Gwaii or Never Never Land.

But then when I speak the name of her island, Abigail's full-body slump returns.

"Great Britain?!" she pouts accusingly. "Aren't they the bad ones?"

Abigail's life to date has been spent absorbing the endless lament of her adults over the injustices of European colonialism. Earlier that summer on a cross-Canada road trip, at what seemed like every historical site, I made a point of highlighting how the colonizing British had brought Indigenous culture to the edge of extinction with their foreign diseases, their land-grabbing policies and their culture-negating residential schools.

The moment Abigail leaves the house for full-day kindergarten, I dig out a box of wedding china. I know this is a stretch. After all, it's been six generations since my ancestors emigrated from somewhere in the Yorkshire region of England to Peterborough County in Southern Ontario. The only thing we know about them with any certainty is that they were poor to the bone and almost certainly didn't drink tea from porcelain cups and saucers.

When the school day ends, everything down to the white-linen tablecloth is set up in the front room. Abigail enters, stares, then slowly lets her Dora backpack slide to the floor. I explain that this is high tea, "one of the grand traditions of your people." She stands in stunned silence.

The plan is working.

I explain that high tea must be served right at 4 o'clock, not a minute sooner, and that sandwiches are to be cut twice on the diagonal with crusts removed in their entirety.

"Why?" she asks to all of the above.

"It's just our culture."

This answer pleases her.

At 4 p.m. sharp, I pour the tea and watch my white-skinned girl sip and nibble as I have instructed.

My husband walks by and rolls his eyes. He is half Ukrainian and half God-knows-what.

Later in the week, Abigail replicates the high-tea ritual for her teddies and dolls, and then in a crowning act of glory for her Mexican playmate next door. "It's from my culture," I overhear her explaining to Sofia. Sofia seems enchanted.

Ten years have passed since I introduced Abigail to high tea and all my fears have been put to rest. Now a teenage tour de force, she has not over-identified with British culture. She has become neither snobbish, nor repressive. She has her eye on a boy from Peru with brown skin. Knowing her tribe has given her traction to move into the fusion of Vancouver high-school life with a sense of being one among equals, someone who has something unique to contribute to the whole.



Political correctness is most pervasive in universities and colleges but I rarely report the  incidents concerned here as I have a separate blog for educational matters.

American "liberals" often deny being Leftists and say that they are very different from the Communist rulers of  other countries.  The only real difference, however, is how much power they have.  In America, their power is limited by democracy.  To see what they WOULD be like with more power, look at where they ARE already  very powerful: in America's educational system -- particularly in the universities and colleges.  They show there the same respect for free-speech and political diversity that Stalin did:  None.  So look to the colleges to see  what the whole country would be like if "liberals" had their way.  It would be a dictatorship.

For more postings from me, see TONGUE-TIED, GREENIE WATCH,   EDUCATION WATCH INTERNATIONAL, AUSTRALIAN POLITICS and  DISSECTING LEFTISM.   My Home Pages are here or   here or   here.  Email me (John Ray) here.  Email me (John Ray) here


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